I was cleaning my grinder the other day, when advice from my ex-mother in law flashed in my head “If you clean with dish washing liquid, it will be much easier”. The other day, I was contemplating on whether to join my son in a new class or not, when similar instance with my ex-husband flashed in my head. The arguments, decision, everything related to that.
Is it just me or does everyone have these memories popping out now and then? I asked myself. I should be extremely angry with my ex, so much so that I should have blocked all these pop ups automatically. I thought about how others in my situation might have reacted. “I don’t even want to see his face/ remember anything about those torturous years”, they might have said.
I tend to have visual memory, i.e. I remember faces, but more prone to forgetting names. I remember location, but would forget street names. So these memories that pop into my head are mostly visual frames that flash. Though they last only for about a fraction of a second, they tend to leave a long lasting effect.
I start to analyze stuff. “Why did that memory pop up? Shouldn’t it have been blocked by me long time back? Its been more than 3 years since the separation. How many years might it take to completely forget those troublesome years? Should I forget it complete and remember only the lessons? Is something wrong with me?”, and many such questions corner me.
I see some of the other widows/widowers/divorcees/separated, spontaneously boiling with rage every time they hear their ex’s names. But I don’t feel that way. Amidst many advices from friends, I have let my son to keep his father’s name as his last name. Not because of any reasons related to reconciliation, but I believe that it would unnecessarily waste my time and energy.
I see my ex as what he is. A extremely calculative, deeply selfish, perfectly narcissistic, OCD guy. But I do not feel that I should raise my Blood Pressure every time I hear his name or encounter his ridiculousness, or an old memory drives by.
My past is the reason; I am what I am, today. If I did not have those challenges, I might not have been the slightly more mature and responsible person that I am today.
I feel that I should let it pass, and learn from it about what to do and what not to do in the future if similar situation enters my house.
I realize that I cannot be angry at my past decisions because it has done a beautiful job of showing my strengths much beyond my imagination.
My past has taught me intensely impactful life lessons that no school or books can inculcate.
I was once a callous person in school and college, selfish to an extent. But I can say with utmost honesty that I am more in tune with my and other’s emotions now due to my past. That I am more generous with my time and money in order to cater to other’s spoken and unspoken needs.
I understand about free strong will and about the concept of nurturing with love, more now than ever.
In addition to the universe, my parents, my sister and my son, I also have my past to thank for these values based changes in me.
Thank you Past. You have done your job. Now it’s time for me to do mine.