This year started off with a bang. In January 2016, I broke both my ankle bones. And that wasn’t even the worst part of the damned year. Physical pain I came to learn, bad as it may seem, doesn’t hold a candle to the emotional pain of a fractured marriage.
My chronically ill marriage was finally put to rest in December 2016.
In between these two groundbreaking, life changing events of my life I celebrated birthdays, made new friends, lost old friends, burnt bridges and mended some fences.
Throughout it all my twin treasures, the center of my universe, the only reason I endured the farce of my marriage as long as I did, kept me steady. They led me onwards, guiding me, my twin North Star in this crazy storm-tossed life.
A little pondering made me realise these weren’t the only changes that had happened. Yes, my outer world had changed. Drastically. But that wasn’t what had started it all.
My mind had taken a jolt or two. It had been hit multiple times and while careening to the verge of insanity, it had, thankfully not (completely) crossed that particular bridge.
This was the year I opened myself up to people with radically different views. Views that at first I ranted and raved against, but then realised in less agitated quietness, were quite accurate.
And thus, this very year I came face to face with the deepest, darkest, most despicable me. I faced up to my cowardice, my low (okay, okay, utter lack of) self-esteem and my, well, for lack of a better word, idiocy. My heart is filled with gratitude towards the friend who frankly called me a “runner”. Who also helpfully pointed out that, I was on self-destruct mode until I learnt to take my stand and fight. Thanks to him, I now look at any sticky situation I am in and wonder: “What’s happening here my dear? When are you going to throw that punch? And how hard do you plan to hit?”
So this was the year I learnt to throw punches.
In 2016 I joined the Phoenix Family where I found kindred souls. Intelligent warm sensitive people who look out for each other. Finally, here was a place where I could breathe. Where I could just be me. I am so proud to be part of this. Without naming names I just want to say that my heart sing it’s thanks to each and every one of my Family members and I wish to spread the kindness and solace that I have received here. Without you guys, I would not have made it through ruthless 2016 in one piece.
When one family of mine crumbled to dust, another helped me rise from the ashes. Thank you.
As I bid adieu to beautiful 2016 I look back at a year in which I have taken a crash course in living on my own and loving it. I have learnt the meaning of unconditional love and that the demons I fear are not really lurking “out there”. I discovered that when you decide to stand up for the truth with courage, the universe sends help. When things seem bleakest one’s faith must remain strong, and crisis of faith is still proof of faith.
This year taught me that it takes stepping off the precipice to realise you can fly.
I wish that in 2017 my family members (Phoenix and otherwise), all my friends, our lovely children and I may grow emotionally, spiritually, wisely towards our destiny.
No one says it better than Rumi:
“Grief can be the garden of compassion. If you keep your heart open through everything, your pain can become your greatest ally in your life’s search for love and wisdom.”
Here is to a fantastic 2017!