How a hidden addiction destroyed my marriage
‘Why don’t you sleep on time?’, used to be my question most of the nights. ‘Oh, why don’t you carry on and sleep while I finish this action movie’ used to be my then-husband’s reply. Once, I woke up at around midnight and caught him watching (no, not a war scene but) an X rated movie on his laptop. I made it clear to him that this behaviour hurt me and I didn’t like it. I cried and fought with him for a while, after which he begged me for forgiveness and promised that it wouldn’t happen again. I didn’t give it much thought the next morning and things settled down.
Shortly after, I noticed something on his screen one night. I didn’t react immediately but started to grow suspicious – was there more to this midnight incident? I started to sneak into his phone and checked his YouTube and browser history. What I saw left me shocked! This was a regular habit despite the promise made to me. The times of surfing through such content included lunch hours and work hours! I started to do some research about porn addiction and found a helpful questionnaire which confirmed that this was beyond normal in his case. I approached him with proof and my research and tried my best to talk to him patiently. He assured me that it was not an addiction yet and that he could rectify this. If anything improved, it was his ability to hide this from me and I mastered the skill of spying. My peace of mind perished in all of this. He started using incognito tabs, screen locks, changed his passwords and kept a personal laptop at the workplace.
When I caught him again with proof, I couldn’t stay calm anymore and broke down. I didn’t know what to do anymore alone. I decided to call his parents to bring this issue to their notice. I was shocked, instead, to be ridiculed by his parents, that this was completely normal for men! I felt all alone and unsure about the future. I couldn’t handle it anymore and kept asking him what would happen if one day his child walked in on him watching something inappropriate. That’s abusing a child! The thought alone was terrifying and I didn’t feel my child was safe in this environment any more. He also realised that I couldn’t be fooled by his false promises anymore and we ended our marriage. His addiction had already drained out any real emotions from him.
A beautiful write up gifted to us during our wedding had a saying- ‘In Indian culture, even the passing thought of being with another person is the equivalent of adultery’. I always believe that a pure and honest physical relationship is very important in marriage. Due to the invasion of the internet in our lives, access to such unsuitable material is very easy.
It’s extremely traumatic to your partner if accessed without consent. It breeds suspicion, mistrust, self doubt, shame and the feeling of being unable to fulfill the physical demands of marriage. What is shown in these movies is a gross exaggeration comprising of special camera effects, sounds and surgically enhanced private parts. Reality is much more beautiful than those vulgar movies.
To all wives going through a similar situation, never doubt your own beauty and never let such men disrespect you. Firmly approach your partner about your dislike to such a habit and seek professional help for them if need be.