Why hide away?
Why hide away, I ask you. Aren’t these the best years of my life?
When friends invited me out I would wonder how I could ever fit in again. They had their boyfriends/girlfriends or husbands/wives. Me? I am single. And to top it all I am a mom. So whatever would I have in common with them. Even those with children seemed to have their own things going for them. I constantly wondered about it.
What if my daughter felt sad seeing other children with their fathers? What about an entire family unit together – mother, father and children. I was certain it would bring her pain and misery. I was certain it would bring me heartache and melancholy.
But life has taught me to always try and take that plunge. Step off the cliff every once in a while. And guess what! Life does tend to surprise you more often than not. If I hadn’t taken the plunge to leave an abusive relationship, my life would have been so different today, and definitely not for the better. I just decided to stop over-thinking all of it. I would deal with the emotions and feelings that came up just as they do for any issue or under different circumstances.
My first outing with friends was terrible. I didn’t have conversation to make. I stayed worried the entire evening hoping my little one was okay. I checked my phone and my watch every few minutes.
What if she hadn’t gone to bed. What if she couldn’t fall asleep. What if she woke up and wanted me. What if something had happened and her grandparents who she was with didn’t call to say. What if she was home crying. What if her tummy hurt? What if something happened to me getting back? What if she had a nightmare? What if..? What if…? What if…?
I left early!
And then came the ‘get back on the horse again’. I’d just had one ride out. It was definitely not going to be the best. So off I went again. More worries but more resolve to see it through. I would give myself another chance. We are social beings after all, aren’t we?
This time it was better. I stayed till the end of our gathering. I called home only twice. I did not constantly check my phone – only every half hour.
Realisation dawned on me that day, that even I, a single mum, needed a break. My child would be fine. I started enjoying my time with my friends. The adult conversation was so refreshing. To laugh with peers was treatment better than any spa could offer.
Going back to my daughter I would have more energy and a calmer disposition. I felt more myself. I am not talking about days away. Just a couple or so hours with people my age. Them being in relationships or not did not even pose an issue. We talked politics and books and relationships. Everyone had something to offer, me included. I learnt to laugh at my situation and except it. It made it all so much easier.
I was still living, breathing. I still had so much to give and people around me had so much to offer. Happiness is there for grabs. I began to feel confident again. I felt beautiful once more. I could look a man in the eye and not feel fear. I felt smart. Not only did I feel all of this. I was….no! I AM all of this. Just because someone told me I was not, did not make it true.
So why hide away?