Stay put

Another screaming and shouting session at home. Was there anything new to it?

No…nothing at all.

Wasn’t this the new normal?

However, that day it was different.

The usual screaming and shouting session ended with me walking out of my home slamming the door promising never to return again. I had made up my mind, I can’t take this any longer. I must put an end to this.

I must end me…that’s the only way this will get over all this.

So I started walking and reached the main highway. I reached in the middle of the road and kept walking. The trucks and cars honked crazily I think, but I was lost in my focus to end myself. To put an end to my misery.

Suddenly, a car braked and stopped with a screeching sound. The driver got out and abused me. He asked me to go and die somewhere else.

I absentmindedly crossed over and walked towards the park.

It was very dark. I didn’t think anyone would be there in the park. I went and sat on the grass plotting my next move to reach my goal.

All of a sudden, I heard a child laughing with glee and I saw her she running into the park. Her laughter reminded me of my child’s laughter.

That’s when it hit me as what I was about to do.

But that nagging feeling wouldn’t go away. Years ago I had saved the suicide helpline number on my contact list for sharing with a friend who was going through a tough time. Today was my day to reach out for help.

I dialed the Helpline number and all I managed to say was “Hello, I want to die”.

I broke down. I couldn’t stop crying after that didn’t speak a word. My eyes failed me or so is what I thought then.

The girl on the other side of the Helpline number was with me throughout.

She said, “Ma’am I am with you. It is going to be okay. This too shall pass. Stay put.”

I don’t remember how long I cried and held on to the phone.

But what I will always remember are her words “This too shall pass. Stay put.”