Everyday she saves me

Its 5am and I don’t need to wake-up because I haven’t slept. Another sleepless night, getting out of bed is the most difficult part of the day. I don’t sleep but I want to stay in bed. Just crawl under the covers and disappear. The tears well up. Let me be!

But I have no choice. Do I?

I have a child who needs to get to school. I have a lunch to pack. A drive to school and back, do you have all your things, your ID, your water bottle….I can’t seem to remember what else should be on our morning checklist. Breakfast!!!

I come home and want to crawl back into bed. The tears well up. Life….Please let me be! But there are things to do. I need to pay school fees, and put food on the table. I have to get going.

I have no choice, Do I?

There’s no energy left in me. There’s no fight, no strength. I count the years till she finishes school. I can’t go on much longer. The tears well up. Let me be. I can’t go on. Not anymore. Will it be okay if today is the last day? Will she be okay if today is my last day? I write my goodbye. There’s nothing left in me. I’m alone. I can’t force another smile, concentrate on another conversation, cook another dinner, smile.

It’s all dark, everywhere around me. A bottomless pit with no light at the end. Dark, darker and even darker. Black. How old will she be when I can go away, knowing she’ll be ok? There doesn’t seem to be an end. School, college, work, falling in love, first heartbreak….she may need me. Will anyone else understand her the way I do? Will anyone else love her the way I do?

So I search deep within the darkness for just a little more energy, a little more strength. Even when there isn’t any to be found, I drag my lifeless-self out of bed, pack a school lunch, make breakfast, do school drop off, smile, go to work, smile, make decisions and proposals and strategize, get home, smile, hear about the school day, look at homework, help with concepts and sometimes life’s lessons, smile, tuck a little heart into bed. I smile.

The tears well up. Let me be. But I need to keep going for just another day. I don’t know how, but just one more day.

I don’t have a choice! Do I?