Happy for me

2017 — a year that changed my life. Things that I thought would last forever came to an end this year. My discoveries of being betrayed hurt every bone of my body till I became numb. I was filled with anger and rage. Wanted to destroy them all. My family & close friends stood by me, constantly reminding me to focus on my goal to get out of the mess. “Rest will be taken care by God”, they reminded me. I am so thankful for their support which helped me handle all of it gracefully.

The mask my ex wore came off completely during the process of separation. I was drowned in feelings of guilt, how could I love such a person. Why didn’t I get warned by the red flags? How could I be so foolish to be allowed to be manipulated for 15 long years? How can sheer selfishness supercede even your own child’s needs? These thoughts and the past consumed me. I was sinking deeper into despair. Getting through every moment required humongous effort. I would just lie in bed in the comfort of my comforter. My family & friends kept talking to me to ensure I was ok. Their support and that from a group I joined, helped me to take small steps and get through each day.

There were days when I was losing faith in God as nothing was working out positively. I started my conversations with Him, amidst cries and yells. During the initial days it was only me talking. And then gradually I heard Him too. I heard Him say “You will get through this. You have not been a fool. Your goodness makes you only see goodness in others. You have so far only experienced genuine love from the good people in your life. So you couldn’t recognize evil.”

I realized that the discovery of the betrayals itself was a miracle. And all the skeletons that toppled out of the closet.

The greatest miracle is the resilience and maturity of my son. He has been my strength to fight anyone and everyone to prove that goodness does win.

Instead of questioning “why me”, “what did I do to deserve this”, I started to thank God for the little and big blessings each day, sometimes from strangers. The auto driver who made sure to drop me at the destination even if he had to ask for directions from a couple of people and take a detour. The Amazon delivery person who delivered a month of grocery for free because of a mistake in the goods delivered.

The stranger who translated Kannada for me. The smile of a little girl in my darkest moment. My parents who remained strong (my biggest regret was the sadness I would cause them in their old age), the love, care and support of my son, friends who gave me the right contacts, friends with whom I could open my heart out, my brothers & family who stood like pillars to support me through, my sister-in-law who conversed with me constantly to help me find answers by myself.

I surrendered my doubts, questions to God, everything to him. I realised my story isn’t going the way I want it to but it is not the end. I surrendered it to my Writer. And the pages started turning. I got a job that makes me feel productive. It keeps me busy and doesn’t give me time to remember the dark moments. I have started dreaming again.

And here I am today rediscovering myself, making myself a priority without anyone constraining or criticizing. Being a mother the way I want to be.

There will still be thoughts & memories that haunt the corners of my mind but I can proudly say that no matter what I will surpass every obstacle to build a beautiful future for me & my son.

And the biggest lesson, enjoying every moment now, as I don’t know what is in store for tomorrow.

My trust has been broken but not my spirit. My world has been burnt to the ground, but I will pour my heart to rise from the ashes into becoming the best person I can be—and this time, it won’t be for anyone; it will be for me.