“When the going gets tough, the tough get going”

Lately, I had been receiving complaints about my son from school. I was told that he doesn’t sit still, and always troubled others. His shenanigans were noticed by teachers and even the vice principal, so much so that she warned me about suspension or even worse, dismissal from school.

I felt my heart sink deeper and deeper with every complaint. My hands began to shake nervously and I wasn’t able to even hold my phone steadily. My throat was parched. I just wanted to run away at that moment, as fast as I possibly could. The stream of complaints seemed like it would take eons to be heard. When I walked out of the school with my son, I felt something inside me die. I couldn’t feel my heart beat.

In fact, I didn’t feel anything.

I didn’t feel sadness.

I didn’t feel happiness.

I didn’t feel angry.

I didn’t feel fear.

I felt silence. Amidst the Bangalore traffic, I felt a long and powerful silence inside me. My son sat beside me quietly, apprehensive of my reactions. But I couldn’t react. I didn’t know how to react.

This was one of the few instances in life, when I was clueless about how to handle the situation. Normally, I jump right into thinking of a solution, how do I tackle the problem. But that day, I was plan-less. My brain stopped working. No thoughts came to my mind. No motivational voices inside my head . No justifications made sense to me. There were no debates or arguments made within my conscience.

I’m not sure if I ever felt this way before in my life. My brain was dead silent, and I thought I could feel a void, somewhere in my heart.

I came back home, gave my son some homework to do, went to my room, and started tidying up like a robot. While I was folding the clothes, tears started to trickle down on their own and soon enough, I broke down into tears. Sobbing and sitting on the floor. I was still speechless, but I still felt the burden, extremely heavy and it came out as tears. I went to the pooja stand, kneeled before God and sat there in silence. I wasn’t sure of what to pray for, because it seemed pointless. I didn’t feel like fighting with God for reasons I still don’t know why. I just sat there,  staring at the idols. Just then, I heard the following words inside my head.

“Get back to work.”

I stood up and went into the kitchen to prepare something to eat. This was all the guidance I had at the time. To continue with my responsibilities. I trusted that somehow, I would begin to think again, and would be able to figure out a way to solve the seemingly humongous problem.

For now, I just needed to continue with my life.

I guess sometimes, life throws more stones at us, unsolvable problems. The best we can do, if don’t see a light at the end of the tunnel is to continue with our responsibilities while searching for the path.