Breaking news of death to your child
Year 2013- My son was 6 years old and was attending school. I was with the doctor. The doctor held my hand and said it was over. Your wife is no more, please start informing your family – was his message. The first thing which struck me was how was I going to disclose this shocking news to my son. He had no clue of what was happening and would be expecting the usual evening with his loving mom.
Luckily, his pediatrician was in the same hospital and he offered to guide me with the process. He suggested a systematic approach in disclosing the news.
Prepare the kid:
Doctor’s SMS to me:
“Momma has met with an accident and is very serious. Doctors have put her on a machine to breathe, nobody is allowed inside, we need to pray.”
What did I do?
First, I isolated him to be with my neighbor, away from the most emotional relatives. I called him and informed him, “Momma is not feeling well and I have admitted her in the hospital”. I would inform him about when I would be able to bring him to the hospital. At this point, he did not understand the depth of the issue and was casual to answer, “I am fine daddy”.
Elevate the emotion:
Doctor’s SMS to me:
After 6 hours, momma is critical I will take you to see her if doctors permit.
What did I do?
I called to inform him that her health was deteriorating. He found it difficult to understand the message. I had to give him examples from movies he had seen with us, about how oxygen masks were placed, etc.
Breaking the news:
Doctor’s SMS to me:
Once the end is conveyed, allow the child to grieve, hug. Confide into the ears of the child.
What did I do?
I took him to a silent room of a relative’s house, made him sit on my lap and said “Momma is no more. She passed away and has gone to God.” I had to repeat that twice because he didn’t understand it the first time. The second time I broke down, which gave him a sense of the seriousness of the situation. From that moment on, I never let go of him for almost 12 hours, as we had to travel from Bangalore to my native place. He was always with me. He had so many questions at that time, when will she come back? Just like that movie, will they put garland on her? How is she kept in that ambulance in front of us?
I made sure only the strong relatives were with me, ones who would not break down which might scare him. For every answer I gave him, I kept re-emphasizing that I was with him always.
Visual Closure:
Doctor’s SMS to me:
Letting the child see the mother’s body is a must for finality, that she won’t be coming back. Ask if he wants to touch his mother before she goes to god. And god will take care of Momma.
What I did:
I brought him to see her before we took her for cremation. He was offered that he could kiss her and say good bye, be safe with god. He refused and just said “bye momma and be safe”. There was some resistance from my relatives for this. But I stuck to my stand. And this made a huge difference in his life. The questions about if she is coming back slowly faded away. After the same repeated answer ‘no she is not coming back’ with a cold and emotionless face.
After few months he came to terms with the fact. I am sure if I hadn’t given him that visual closure, it would have been more difficult for him. The story I maintain is that she is safe with god. In order to emphasize (again following a psychiatrist’s advice) the point, any items in the house which would remind him of her was removed from his sight. I maintained one big framed photo of her along with other deity snaps in the house symbolizing the story. Two years have gone since then and he is fully in terms with the fact now.
The idea of this write up is to help people understand how a young child needs to be approached about his/her parent’s death. And for people who have gone through this situation, be assured that kids come out of this grieving phase pretty fast if handled scientifically and not letting our emotions take over.
