Healing with child
“Somedays I wish I could go back in life. Not to change anything but to feel a few things twice”
Pregnancy is one such magical experience in a woman’s life. I would give anything to feel again for the first time those happy hormones that make you ecstatic forgetting all the realities.
After all it resulted in my dear child who has been the key to my healing process.
One of the most relevant questions that my dear ones asked me when I separated was this- if you knew that things weren’t good in your marriage, why did you get pregnant?
I kept giving varied answers – I wanted to give my marriage a chance, it was the right time considering my career, there was a biological need to become a mother, so on and so forth.
I have tried to think of a logical answer but I fail everytime.
When I had walked out of the house with less than half year old child, I was unsure internally but strong externally as that little life depended on me. Further breastfeeding, co sleeping, baby wearing and gentle parenting helped me stay sane during the early months. Now that she’s growing up and noticing things, I cannot afford to cry or shout lest it should disturb her.
Taking care of her always took priority over sitting and drowning myself in negative thoughts. I definitely had episodes of getting angry or disturbed but she always found a way to bring me back on track with her smiles and mischievous ways .
I know I have not taken on an easy task. Considering the rise in crimes against females, it is getting tougher to bring up a daughter in a safe environment freely. At this age my parents are still taking care of me so I can imagine myself being responsible for her for at least next thirty years. I need to have a good financial plan for her education. All these thoughts and responsibilities motivate me to keep looking ahead at life with strength and make myself capable of giving her the best life that she deserves to live.
So, no, I do not regret getting pregnant and becoming a single parent. I know it is a long way ahead with unknown challenges but I also know that I am not alone in facing all the above, my child is and will be with me. Today my toddler is helping me unknowingly in my emotional healing process, tomorrow when she realises that her father is not there for her, I will be by her side to heal her with unconditional love and care.